The Middle School Parent Resource

Middle school too young for oral sex survey?

The topic now brewing discussion with parents across the nation after a middle school in Massachusetts had students respond to a survey.

Here's the complete story on Huffingtonpost.com

The story triggered a nationwide discussion among moms on the usa.momslikeme.com site. Join the discussion here.

 

My thoughts:

Tough topic! There looks to be two issues here:

1) Should the school have notified parents that students would be taking a survey?

2) Is middle school too soon to begin talking to kids about oral sex?

In response to #2, if middle school is the first time a parent has spoken to their child about sex, the "talk" is long overdue. Is it time for an update to the talk so that it includes oral sex? Maybe so. Consider the discussion that a friend of mine faced when her daughter asked, "What's oral sex? My friends are talking about it." Now, the discussion is reactive and you're caught, as she was, thinking about an in the moment response to a question that really deserves more than a reactionary few words.

On issue #1: Having worked in schools and now with soon to be teachers at a university level, the parent/school connection is a constant topic of discussion. A few questions to consider, "How is the school planning to use the data from the survey? Will the school/district reform their health curriculum to address oral sex education? Was this a district created survey that schools were mandated to send out or an option for individual schools?

On a parallel line of questioning, if the school would have given parents the choice to have their kids opt out of taking the survey, how many would have exercised their choice to opt out? How many of us would have allowed our students to take the survey? As a middle school parent now my first thought was, "I haven't spoken with my daughter about oral sex. Does she know what it is? And if so, who told her?" My frustration would be focused more on the lack of communication from the school about the survey rather than the survey itself. Having the choice or at least the knowledge that the survey was to take place is truly where the brunt of frustration resides in the parent/school connection.

Having spoken to middle school parents across the nation, sex always appears as one of the top five concerns. Most parents agree that they would prefer to be the one who first speaks to their child about the topic rather than waiting to clear up any misinformation that the collective middle school mindset may have created.

The challenge then is to consider how you will reframe the "talk". How can you make a preemptive strike in sharing accurate information about oral sex that informs without condoning it, so that your child feels equipped to respond when a friend says, "Hey that survey today was crazy, who do you know that is having oral sex?"

Regards,
Joe Bruzzese
www.MiddleSchoolYears.com

Set expectations for your child's use of technology this summer

What expectations have you set for your middle schooler's use of technology this summer? How often will he sit in front of the Wii, home computer or ipad? What types of games, apps and sites would you consider acceptable? Where can your child use the computer, ipad or cell phone? Answers to these and other important questions in today's 2-minute video.

 

 

Parent and teen conversations. Getting beyond the grunt.

Most conversations between teens and their parents follow a predictable pattern. Parent asks a question and the teen responds with a pre-programmed response, "Good, Fine, No" or an ambiguous grunt. Try one of the four tips in today's video and you will be pleasantly surprised by the conversations that arise.

 

 

Responding to your child's call, "I'm bored"

Playing the role of activities director will wear you out. Fire yourself from this position and equip your child with the tools for keeping himself busy this summer.

 

Mother asks for help with special needs daughter who is being bullied

The following message came from a parent via my "Middle School Bullying" page on Squidoo.com. My response follows the parent's message.

My Daughter (who has Special Needs) has been getting bullied since Kindergarten and started really pick up in fourth grade. My daughter attends school in a small town where most families have been there for generations and 8 times out of 10 they're related to each other. Oddly enough I've had nothing but a good rapport and communication with the teachers and administrators. Everytime an incident happened I would talk to the teachers and the administrators. They have a bullying program and they handled each incident appropriately. The problem are the kids, all the talks from teachers and administration, detentions and talking to parents goes in one ear and out the other. It lasts for 1 or 2 days and starts up again. My daughter tells me most of the time the whisper to her or do it when the teachers not looking. She's constantly being ostracized, told to shut up, given dirty looks, called names, has gotten put on a hit list in the fourth grade, went to a party with most of her class and didn't even get talked to, threatened to get punched, and I just found out that in one of her classes when they work in groups they leave her out and the teacher has to force them to take her into their group. I'm so tired of hearing "We need to give her the tools to help herself and to teacher to cope". My daughter is tired of doing everything right and it still happens. She only has 1 friend at school and when her friends absent she eats by herself or the teacher sits and eats with her. My heart breaks for my daughter because no matter the consequences to the bullies it has no effect. Out of 120 kids in her class they either tolerate, act indifferent to her or bully her. I'm pretty much worn out and don't know what other options. Do I have the right to talk to the parents even if it's the first incident.

My response:

Wow, you have great courage, which your daughter is going to need from you in the coming days, weeks and months to come. First, your daughter has the right to feel safe at school. Being accepted for who she is also falls within the rights that each student has.

Have you spoken to the principal? If so, what did the Principal agree to do that would change the way your daughter is being treated? If not, plan to call the school on Monday at request to see the Principal. Preface the conversation with, "I'm concerned about my daughter's safety. She doesn't want to go to school and her academic achievement is suffering because of it." Ask for a 20-minute meeting in the next day or two. The goal of the meeting is to create an action plan, not assign blame, that will help teachers and students respond in a different way to your daughter.

In response to your question about talking directly to the parents, yes you have the right; however, the outcome may not yield any positive results unless you already have a relationship with the parents. My encouragement to you is to pursue the school route, trying to affect change in the place where your daughter spends the majority of her waking hours.

Let me know about the results of your meeting and we can talk about next steps.

A few resources: a book titled, "The Bully Action Guide" by Edward F. Dragan. Great resource for parents. Here it is on Amazon http://www.amazon.com/Bully-Action-Guide-School-Listen/dp/0230110428

Also consider Sprigeo.com, an organization I started this past year that gives kids the opportunity to report bullying and school safety incidents to their principals. We have experienced an incredible number of success stories.