The Middle School Parent Resource

Responding to your child's call, "I'm bored"

Playing the role of activities director will wear you out. Fire yourself from this position and equip your child with the tools for keeping himself busy this summer.

 

Mother asks for help with special needs daughter who is being bullied

The following message came from a parent via my "Middle School Bullying" page on Squidoo.com. My response follows the parent's message.

My Daughter (who has Special Needs) has been getting bullied since Kindergarten and started really pick up in fourth grade. My daughter attends school in a small town where most families have been there for generations and 8 times out of 10 they're related to each other. Oddly enough I've had nothing but a good rapport and communication with the teachers and administrators. Everytime an incident happened I would talk to the teachers and the administrators. They have a bullying program and they handled each incident appropriately. The problem are the kids, all the talks from teachers and administration, detentions and talking to parents goes in one ear and out the other. It lasts for 1 or 2 days and starts up again. My daughter tells me most of the time the whisper to her or do it when the teachers not looking. She's constantly being ostracized, told to shut up, given dirty looks, called names, has gotten put on a hit list in the fourth grade, went to a party with most of her class and didn't even get talked to, threatened to get punched, and I just found out that in one of her classes when they work in groups they leave her out and the teacher has to force them to take her into their group. I'm so tired of hearing "We need to give her the tools to help herself and to teacher to cope". My daughter is tired of doing everything right and it still happens. She only has 1 friend at school and when her friends absent she eats by herself or the teacher sits and eats with her. My heart breaks for my daughter because no matter the consequences to the bullies it has no effect. Out of 120 kids in her class they either tolerate, act indifferent to her or bully her. I'm pretty much worn out and don't know what other options. Do I have the right to talk to the parents even if it's the first incident.

My response:

Wow, you have great courage, which your daughter is going to need from you in the coming days, weeks and months to come. First, your daughter has the right to feel safe at school. Being accepted for who she is also falls within the rights that each student has.

Have you spoken to the principal? If so, what did the Principal agree to do that would change the way your daughter is being treated? If not, plan to call the school on Monday at request to see the Principal. Preface the conversation with, "I'm concerned about my daughter's safety. She doesn't want to go to school and her academic achievement is suffering because of it." Ask for a 20-minute meeting in the next day or two. The goal of the meeting is to create an action plan, not assign blame, that will help teachers and students respond in a different way to your daughter.

In response to your question about talking directly to the parents, yes you have the right; however, the outcome may not yield any positive results unless you already have a relationship with the parents. My encouragement to you is to pursue the school route, trying to affect change in the place where your daughter spends the majority of her waking hours.

Let me know about the results of your meeting and we can talk about next steps.

A few resources: a book titled, "The Bully Action Guide" by Edward F. Dragan. Great resource for parents. Here it is on Amazon http://www.amazon.com/Bully-Action-Guide-School-Listen/dp/0230110428

Also consider Sprigeo.com, an organization I started this past year that gives kids the opportunity to report bullying and school safety incidents to their principals. We have experienced an incredible number of success stories.

Is 13 too old to start your child's fascination with Facebook?

Recent research says that over 7.5 milion of Facebook's users are under 13 with nearly 5 million under the age of 10. If Facebook were to lower the age restriction or remove it altogether, how would it affect kids and families? I can see it now, "Here's your child's birth certificate and their facebook login."

Safety is paramount of all activity online and among kids. Interesting legislation now in California regarding the rights of parents and Facebook. Article here: blog.socialshield.com/2011/5/18/california%E2%80%99s-sb-242-and-what-it-could-mean-for-social-networking.aspx

Given the recent appearance of Facebook (founded in 2003) I don't think we have had enough time to consider how to keep kids safe on Facebook. The growth in users has been so rapid, much like cell phones, that I see most of us defaulting to the rule, "Whatever my friends are doing with their kids, must be the thing to do." without knowledge of what Facebook is capable of.

So what's the answer?

Educate, educate, educate. Yes, the internet has its share of malintentioned users, just like every town in America. Yes, there are places we don't take our kids to because of the potential for danger. Avoidance though is different than taking the time to talk to your child about the dangers that exist and equipping him with the tools to remain safe while still finding ways to navigate the world around him.

If the internet were easy to turn on and off we might be having a different discussion. Given the high level of accessibility that we all have (kids included) to the internet and online communication the option to simply avoid it no longer can be considered a valid way of keeping kids safe.

"Can you recommend a good filter?" is the number one question parents ask when I speak at schools. The response, "Yes, any that Google pulls up on their first page of search results; but remember to go out and buy a box of bandaids." Like the bandaid that keeps your child safe from infection, every internet filter is a temporary solution, designed to provide momentary relief. And like many kids do with bandaids, internet filters can be removed. A quick search of "Net Nanny hacks" on Google yielded over 93,000 results--short articles written by kids for kids who want to remove the Net Nanny filter from their computer.

Two ideas: 1. Climb aboard the social media train. Start a profile and learn more about the technology that kids are using today so that you can have a conversation with your child.

2. Set the expectation of what's appropriate and not appropriate when it comes to web site content, Facebook posting, text messages, etc. Kids want to know where the boundaries are and it's their job to to push on those boundaries.

5 ways to make it through a busy parenting month

May is busy for you, your child and everyone in your circle. Use the 5-step strategy to make it through the month of May without going crazy.

Additional resources:

http://www.articlespan.com/article/63643/balancing-your-childs-sports-schedule-with-family-life

http://www.baby-first-year.net/reducing-family-stress-your-childs-schedule.html

What are you planning for Spring Break?

Middle schoolers and high schoolers have the Spring break you always wanted. Ask your parents if you can take control of the planning and you will be doing Mom and Dad a big favor. Start your planning now.