by: Joe Bruzzese, M.A.
In a rush to depart yesterday morning my wife, daughter, son and I filed into the car. Amidst the chaos of activity my daughter had managed to outfit herself in a Minnie Mouse skirt and top while evading the hair brush. One look from my wife and both she and my daughter headed back inside.
As my son and I sat waiting I imagined the next set of events. As I anticipated my daughter came rushing out the door in hysterics. With a look of frustration my wife followed, and soon the four of us were again seated in the car. As my daughter sat crying in the back seat I turned to my wife and asked, "What's the problem?"
With my heart racing and a growing level of anxiety I waited for her response. "The problem is that your daughter hasn't combed her hair and she isn't dressed to go to the party and we are already late."
My reply, "If finding clothes that match and having her hair brushed are important before we leave than let's find a way to make that happen, but having her in tears and you frustrated is not the way we are going to do it anymore. I don't want to spend our time together like this. If she isn't ready than we won't go or we will be late. If it means that I need to stay home with her while you go than that's what I will do. We fall back on yelling and frustration because we haven't thought about any other way. We need to think of another way because this isn't working."
Saying the words, "We need to find another way" brought a sense of calmness that I hadn't felt in past discussions with my wife. Committing to the search for another way lifted the frustration of the moment and left us free to begin talking as a family rather than arguing as a group of individuals.
As a parent in times of stress the tendency can be to resort to yelling and imposing threats that create a heightened sense of anxiety for everyone involved and do little in the way of preventing similar situations from occurring in the future. Without a plan of action families run the risk of engaging in verbal warfare that fosters resentment and creates distance between family members.
Consider the possibility that there may be a different way to handle many of your daily tasks. Keep joy at the center of your family's communication. Our family now has a checklist in place that both of our children create for themselves. The lists sit on the kitchen table so that everyone has access. Among the items on the lists they create are: brush my hair, brush my teeth, get dressed and put on my shoes. The kids draw a line through each item as it is completed. My wife and I acknowledge the effort that both of our children contribute as they move through their lists and our appreciation for their consideration in helping us all get out the door while continuing to remain happy. Our in-the-car conversations focus on the exciting events rather than tension filled moments.
Commit to the vision that there might be a different way and look for joy in the moments your family spends together.
